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Posted by
Discord Admin and completely unfair
7 months agoGilded1
ArchivedStickied postModerator of r/Jokes
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He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

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But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

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Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.

The police officer walks up to the car and asks, "Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?"

The man replied, "Probably too fast, officer. I'm sorry, I'm really late for work and I had an important client coming in for an appointment.."

The officer cuts him off, saying, "What is it exactly you do that warrants that kind of rush?"

The man replied, "Well sir, I'm an asshole stretcher."

"A what??"

"An asshole stretcher. People pay for my services in doing exactly that. Today we were going to go through the steps of my client's upcoming procedure."

"Why would he need that explained, though?"

"Well, it's a fairly long, strenuous, and complicated process, requiring thousands of dollars of expensive equipment and the knowledge of how to use all of it. This particular client was going to be my most challenging procedure yet, as he wanted me to stretch his asshole to around six feet!"

The officer seemed rather perplexed at this point. After a long, awkward silence, he asks, "But what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

The man replied, "You give them radar guns and put them under bridges."

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Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

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Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”

Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”

The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"

Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"

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Posted by1 day agoGilded1

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said..........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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202

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

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68

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

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To avoid being confused with feminists.

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Because its white and settles on their land

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He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

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There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy.

Suddenly, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says.

The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.

The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What's that about?"

"Oh," Satan says, "that's for the Christians, they want it that way."

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Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

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I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

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Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

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